“Her work is always flawless since she won’t submit a task until she is satisfied.”
“She never misses a day at work even if she is sick, she is a perfect worker”
“Their kids are good at everything they do, I often see them studying even during their break time.”
All of us have heard something similar to this at some point in our lives. Striving for excellence by working hard, holding a high standard for oneself, being detail-oriented, encouraging your kids to be high achievers in school, and valuing productivity are invaluable traits that often pave the way to success.
The problem is, however, when these traits get confused with perfectionism.
Perfectionism is often considered a strength and is even glorified by many. However, it can be detrimental to achieving our goals in our personal and professional lives and can even affect our well-being negatively.
Let’s take a deeper look into perfectionism, how it can motivate us, what happens when it goes too far, and how we can manage this mindset.
What is Perfectionism?
Perfectionism is often seen as being flawless, making no mistakes, and doing everything ‘correctly’. But this raises the question, what does it mean to be flawless? What makes something perfect? The biggest problem in trying to achieve perfection is that there is no fixed definition for it, and ultimately we end up damaging ourselves and possibly others by getting caught in a chase for something that may not even exist.
It is important to keep in mind that trying to do your best and make the most out of a situation is commendable. The problem arises when you start to believe that everything you do must be of a particular standard, and feel critical of yourself or others if anything short of your expectations is achieved.
Perfectionism often involves tying our self-worth to an outcome - which means, more than putting out quality work, perfectionism is associated with fear and anxiety, such as a fear of failure or rejection. Often, perfectionism stems from a desire to gain respect, affection, or praise from others, or a desire to be in control of a situation or yourself.
Keeping in mind what perfectionism is, here is how perfectionism can manifest in different aspects of our lives, be it the workplace, in our relationships with others and ourselves, and parenting.
1.Perfectionism can lead to procrastination and delays in work. A person looking to perfect their work might put off or avoid tasks that they believe are not good enough to avoid having their work turned away or criticized. They might end up obsessing over details irrelevant to the project or team and redoing things repeatedly.
2. The best way to learn and grow is by making mistakes and reflecting on feedback. By putting too much emphasis on delivering “perfect” results, a person might avoid essential learning experiences.
3. Low self-esteem is very common with perfectionism, as they tend to engage in self-critical thought patterns over self-compassion and find it difficult to be happy or satisfied with any work, hobbies, activities, or relationships they are a part of. This in turn leads to complicated relationships with themselves and others.
4. Overworking and trying to live up to nonexistent standards can be harmful to one’s health. This is very commonly seen in women, who feel pressured to live up to various beauty standards, familial expectations, and parenting trends, and end up sacrificing their health for the same.
5. It can strain your relationship with your children - while encouraging children to work hard is good, being overly critical of them and emphasizing the importance of outcome over effort can cause them to feel pressured and sometimes even worthless.
When you get consumed by the idea of perfect, it can even lead to devastating consequences on your mental health such as anxiety, depression, eating disorders, compulsive behaviors, and could even aggravate personality disorders.
Now that we have a better understanding of what perfectionism entails, let’s look at how we can identify and rectify perfectionist thoughts.
1. Be mindful and catch yourself falling into an all-or-nothing mindset. Some of these could sound like “I got 1 question in the interview wrong, which means I ruined the whole thing”, or “ My child got a B in maths, which means they did not perform well this time”. Instead, understand that not everything is black and white!
Rephrasing the above, “Yes, I got 1 question wrong, and I also got 4 others correct” or “Yes my child got a B in maths, and they also secured As in other subjects and learned to overcome their weak points”
2. Challenge your thoughts to practice self-compassion. If you catch yourself being disappointed or overly critical of yourself, take a step back and examine how much truth it holds.
“I got 1 question in the interview wrong, I am not good at anything”. Ask yourself, is this a thought you have about yourself, or is it a fact? Would getting 1 question wrong imply a person is bad at everything?
It helps to look at how you would react to a close one in the same situation. Would you tell your loved one that they are not good at anything for one mistake? Try to extend the same compassion and understanding to yourself as well.
3. Understand your priorities and realign your values. It is easy to forget what matters in the journey to perfection.
Would you rather have your children be unhappy and bring home only A grades, or see them enjoy their childhood and indulge in activities they love, even if it means less time for studying?
Would you rather be stressed, sleep-deprived, and exhausted working in a job that you were told was your dream, or would you rather be true to yourself and be happy pursuing something else, even if it means not living up to the expectations of others?
Remember, “perfect” is subjective, and sometimes doesn’t even exist. Your definition of what it could be could differ from someone else’s. Accept that you might not always live up to your or others’ expectations, and embrace the fact that to be human is to be beautifully imperfect.
You don’t have to be perfect - all you have to be is be you.
“Have no fear of perfection-you'll never reach it.” - Salvador Dali
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